Don't win the game
I'm in Chennai for a day! Had my US Visa appointment early this morning. She said it was approved and I'll receive my passport in a week. Hope that goes smoothly. So, US it is this April!
Interestingly, I gave an old person some money today. She was begging outside the consulate and I handed her a 10 rupees note. Usually, I don't give out alms, you never know if a person is truly helpless or just pretending. There's too much mental gymnastics in trying to ascertain it everytime. And you come across 20+ people everyday, so, you can't give to the first two but not to the third one. So, I have my rule – don't give alms on the street. But today, I did!
Was it because I hoped for good karma to find me again? Was it selfish? Bowing to the insentience? Maybe.
She helped a person identify the right line to get into. Not her job – I even doubt she knows what's going on inside the building she begs outside of. But she saw that people are nervous, hopeful, and care about the lines – so she learnt that piece of information and helped them out. I liked that.
I don't exactly know what about that appealed to me, but it did – to understand that everybody's looking for something and to help them out. I like that. She shared something she knew, unconditionally. And I had spare change. Rs. 10 is doesn't pinch my pockets. I don't know if that'd buy her an entire meal, but that was just my way of reciprocating her kindness.
I've stopped churning over some of these questions in my head. Partly because I participate in the real world a lot more than I used to, and the rest because I've developed this feeling that there are no determinable answers. Maybe, these are not even the right questions.
I also think human life makes sense only in pursuit, in yearning. The day you stop pursuing – be it success, peace, or meaning – you stop relating to the rest of us.
This is very much a thought in progress, but I acknowledge it. I read somewhere and I paraphrase – the point is to play the game and never win it. Because if you do, you're out of the court. Where do you go next?
I was on the moon but more so, I was in the grass
So I was chilling out but with a very drifting mind
So I was on the ground circa planet earth
But out of sorts but I snapped back, baby
Just in time to jot it down